Mosh Pits - for c*nts

I hate mosh pits. There, I've said it loud and proud. Not withstanding that I am old enough to remember them from the time when they might have actually made some contextual sense, I hate them now with an ire and passion that is almost unsurpassed by other live-gig annoyances (such as stage diving, flags and other people - all of whom I will cover in coming posts). What could be better than having some sweaty, barely pubescent loser throwing "karate" kicks and punches at you while you're trying to watch a from somewhere near the front of the stage ? Almost anything, of course. Christ, it takes all my patience not to give them a "standard" punch in the bloody teeth.

Now, I could understand this if it were dancing. It isn't. I admit, I like to nod my head to a good track - hell, despite my arthritic age, I'll even occasionally break into the "sqaddy-two-step" to a a particularly groovy number. Mark my words though - you watch those pricks in the mosh pit, and they'll barely even notice that each song has ended. Seriously, if all you wanted to do was jump around and deliberately disrupt other music fans, you should have run through Oxford Street HMV pushing ravers over in the dance aisles (at least then you wouldn't be disturbing me while I'm trying to watch Candlemass you ingrates). This year at Bloodstock, I had some one try and start a mosh pit with me to the strains of the Lowe-led doomsters covering Rainbows "Kill The King".

While I have no trouble watching and enjoying the art of a good live band, I have yet to find it necessary to whirl about flinging my limbs at bystanders in an attempt to be "extreme". Invariably, it seems to be fans with little or no interest in the music itself. These self-appointed scene-ninjas fling themself about ,often target ting the smaller members of the same mosh pit to push around - though to be fair, given that they're in a mosh pit they get no sympathy from me.

Why are these arseholes even in a concert, when they should obviously be battling pirates or whatever it is that these combat-ready assholes do when they're not at school ?

In my Utopian metal dream, anyone wearing a back pack into the crowd, behaving like Chuck Norris on the wrong end of a Taser or starting a "br00tal" mosh pit would be quickly and quietly dealt with by humane-killing device.

That is all.

Cynical Metalhead.