The Cynical Metalhead

Social Deth

2009-09-23T23:34:00.000-07:00

As you may have figured from my earlier posts, I am a metal head in my thirties. Of course, many of us haven't made it this far into our lives as surviving disciples of the riff. Many give up by the wayside, beset by an ever increasing awareness that Metal (like any other sub-culture) is geared predominantly to the young, and perhaps more so that heavy metal is frowned upon by others of a similar age. As we get older, our colleagues are less likely to be forgiving of an interest in music which appears to glorify violence and "devilry".

By way of illustration, I have been on a residential course this week in the heartlands of England. My profession is an extremely serious business, and the fellow delegates, all of a similar position within their organisations are a diverse bunch. After the course ends in the day, many of us retire to the bar and chat about our interests. "I'm into mountain climbing", says one, and a semi-interested chat churns from his disclosure. "I like fishing", says another, and a lazy fifteen minute discourse occurs in which we question the wheres, the hows and the whys of his hobby. I am aware that the cycle of conversation is spinning towards me. Luckily, the guy before me says "I'm into music". That gives me some breathing room, and the (forlorn) hope that I may have found a kindred spirit. "I used to like Iron Maidens (sic). They had the one armed drummer, right?". I'm doomed.

I take a deep breath, and tell them "I collect heavy metal". There is the silence first, of course. Then the stares - the ones which ask accusingly "at your age?" or "shouldn't you have long hair?". One onlooker finally breaks the silence and asks "what's your favourite album?". I try and answer with the aged argument "oh, I don't really have one", but succumb to my own smart-arse tendencies, and finally admit "Carcass - Necroticism". "What other bands do you like?". Now here's the rub. I know that churning out the likes of Bolt Thrower, Crowbar, Vader, Candlemass etc are likely to be met with a mixture of blank indifference, open amusement and mocking and the label of "course weirdo" for the rest of this cursed fortnight.

Welcome to the realm of the aged metalhead. The death of a thousand, slow, lingering social cuts.

Still, could be worse. I could have answered "I like all music, really". They're the real cunts.

Mosh Pits - for c*nts

2009-09-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

I hate mosh pits. There, I've said it loud and proud. Not withstanding that I am old enough to remember them from the time when they might have actually made some contextual sense, I hate them now with an ire and passion that is almost unsurpassed by other live-gig annoyances (such as stage diving, flags and other people - all of whom I will cover in coming posts). What could be better than having some sweaty, barely pubescent loser throwing "karate" kicks and punches at you while you're trying to watch a from somewhere near the front of the stage ? Almost anything, of course. Christ, it takes all my patience not to give them a "standard" punch in the bloody teeth.

Now, I could understand this if it were dancing. It isn't. I admit, I like to nod my head to a good track - hell, despite my arthritic age, I'll even occasionally break into the "sqaddy-two-step" to a a particularly groovy number. Mark my words though - you watch those pricks in the mosh pit, and they'll barely even notice that each song has ended. Seriously, if all you wanted to do was jump around and deliberately disrupt other music fans, you should have run through Oxford Street HMV pushing ravers over in the dance aisles (at least then you wouldn't be disturbing me while I'm trying to watch Candlemass you ingrates). This year at Bloodstock, I had some one try and start a mosh pit with me to the strains of the Lowe-led doomsters covering Rainbows "Kill The King".

While I have no trouble watching and enjoying the art of a good live band, I have yet to find it necessary to whirl about flinging my limbs at bystanders in an attempt to be "extreme". Invariably, it seems to be fans with little or no interest in the music itself. These self-appointed scene-ninjas fling themself about ,often target ting the smaller members of the same mosh pit to push around - though to be fair, given that they're in a mosh pit they get no sympathy from me.

Why are these arseholes even in a concert, when they should obviously be battling pirates or whatever it is that these combat-ready assholes do when they're not at school ?

In my Utopian metal dream, anyone wearing a back pack into the crowd, behaving like Chuck Norris on the wrong end of a Taser or starting a "br00tal" mosh pit would be quickly and quietly dealt with by humane-killing device.

That is all.

Cynical Metalhead.

Arch BLOODY Enemy (and other re-recording crimes)

2009-09-13T07:17:00.000-07:00

So here I am, sat in the dining room (which is also the repository for all my varied CDs) listening to the rather splendid Arch Enemy - Stigmata album. for those of you who don't have it, this is probably my favourite Arch Enemy album, full as it is of those wonderful classical music inspired guitar solos, ferocious near-thrash up-tempo moments and the vicious vocals of Johan Liiva. It's nicely produced, the songwriting was never bettered by the band, and truth be told, it could be released again tomorrow without sounding in the slightest dated.

Ah, but here is the rub. Michael Amott and chums (including the be-titted one herself, Mz Gossow) have decided that this incarnation of Arch Enemy just weren't up to scratch this time round, so with the proverbial dollar signs rolling around their eye-balls like some absurd 1970's Hanna-Barbera cartoon band, they're going to release some "re-recorded" versions of these tracks.

To recap then; the current line up of the band (who are, no doubt entertaining, but never the less couldn't seemingly write a track to match any on Stigmata if they were being held up at gunpoint) are going to re-record perfectly adequate songs. Huh ? Can anyone else see the point in this ? This current trend for rehashing old material is wearing just a little-fucking-thin. About a decade ago, most bands couldn't go more than six months without dropping a cover versions album, and just when that tedious little trend seems to have died down, they're all clambering over each other to wring as much cash from the same songs as they possibly can.

I mean, in the case of Arch Enemy, the re-recordings of classic cuts are almost certainly going to sound worse. Gossow isn't the worst vocalist out there, but she doesn't have half the vocal personality of the demented-sounding Liiva on these first three albums.

Occasionally, I can forgive this CD equivalent of self-abuse. Testament, on recording "First Strike Still Deadly" did manage to improve on the poor production of some of their original material significantly. In the main though, these albums come across as some mean-spirited attempt to re-write history in some kind of Stalinist version of heavy metal air-brush revisionism. Was there really any need to re-record the seminal Bonded in Blood ? We know the answer to that kids, don't we ? As for Anthrax and the utterly unpleasantly titled "The Greater of Two Evils", I'm just glad that they are experiencing the utter credibilty drought that they currently have. Wankers. a They may have well just shot a short video of John Bush defecating onto a vinyll copy of "Among the Living" and posted it onto YouTube.

Arch Enemy - The Root of All Evil ? More like the root of all that is flaccid, vapid and pointless. Oh, and Rise of the Tyrant was shit as well. Me ? I'd rather be listening to Hearse.

Cynical Metalhead

A little about me.

2009-09-13T07:01:00.000-07:00

Howdy. I'm not sure that anyone aside from me will ever read this, but as an exercise in ego-vanity, this blog is really more about me venting than being entertaining to anyone else. In case you are a reader though, a little about me. I'm a mid-thirties Englishman, and I've been hopelessly in love with heavy metal music since I was around eleven years old. I could wax lyrical about the many and varied philosophical and aesthetic reasons why I have stuck with heavy metal, but the real bare-bones facts are that I am too stubborn to stop listening to it now. As I get older though, I get increasingly annoyed with heavy metal, and in particular with heavy metal sub-culture. I'm not a bone-headed idiot that needs to shout "Slaaaaaaaaaaayer" at the drop of a hat, nor do I fawn over sub-par bilge like Disturbed.

I've been writing reviews on the net now for about six or seven years, and listened to literally hundreds of deep-subterranean death metal albums, yet the one-upmanship of forum dwellers ("What ? You've never heard the Ugahgajgstafhsfhathon demo ? Poser!) has irritated me to the point that I can't converse with the bedroom-dwelling virgins any longer. This blog then, is in place solely as a cathartic venting post about metal - which, despite all the carping, is still the music that I adore. Metal and I, you see - are like an old married couple - the excitement is gone, we annoy each other, but we just can't live apart.

You may, as my posts continue, ask yourself "does this guy like anything about metal?". The answer is "yes", as it goes, but I just don't want to post too many positive vibes. Why ? Because I'm a miserable old shit, that's why.

Cynical Metalhead